here i come!!!!!!!!

finally! im on my way to AU.....

*sigh*

things to do: buy toiletries, carry- on bag, hairbrush, some notebooks and pens, go to the money changer!!!! ugh! and i haven't finished shopping for winter clothes yet. i am so worried! pressure!!!! the trip is this saturday...and then, my travel allowance is not here yet, it will be given to me in US dollars, and then i have to convert it to aussie dollar, and i will receive it tomorrow. but tomorrow's a friday! ugh. i am going nuts. i hope that all will went well...

had dinner with julia ann, cynthia, amor, and my boyfriend last night at Max. it was ok, the bf was a little cranky though. i tell too much jokes, and at one time, he said im dominating. duh. oh well. my ass. so what!

anyways, im trying to do some work here. im not going to think about that allowance.


amen

coffee and gossip

Nog, tyn, and I met up yesterday. we had coffee at starbucks, and man, was it good taking to them again. it has been over a month since the last time i saw them. of course, they filled me in of the latest news about our old collegues.

i especially had fun talking to nog because of some common ideas that we were discussing. and he would explain it through a man's point of view. of course, we talked about our casual and personal lives, tyn, though a bit embarrassed, surely enjoyed it too.

of course, we discussed about our favorite topic: BOOKS! i was telling nog to go and check out neil gaiman's works because i was surprised to find out that he didn't know about the author. im currently reading American Gods, and no need to say that the book is simply the best. captivating! i don't want to put it down!

this coming monday, tyn's going to to report for work at the company im working for. welcome tyn hubson! can't wait to work with you!

AUSTRALIA

I'll be going to Australia this coming Saturday. my very first trip abroad! the company im working for is gonna send me there for a product and service training....oh men! im so lucky! i'll be going with my colleague, may. we will stay together in sydney for the 1st week, and then the follwing weeks, i will be assigned at melbourne and she in brisbane.

this is a new experience for both of us, and we are so excited!

this is a business trip, but of course, i will also have some fun. maybe i can stop by the opera house, taste new food....oh, i have a list of things to do!

bitchy bitchy me

living with your sister and cousins is fun. currently, there are four of us in recoletos, and i don't have to mention that it's really getting crowded. the plus point in this situation is, there are no lonely moments...and every bill is divided into three (since amor still jobless). the low point... well, when one of them comes home late, i get irritated. it's so hard for me to fall asleep,and then, when somebody barges in at 1 am, it would be me who will hear it coz my room is near the main door. it happened last night, and man, was i so mad! i said some nasty words to julie ann and i locked the room. and since we sleep together, she wasn't able to come in. poor her! i know i was being bitchy and cruel, but i can't help it. i mean, sleep is very essential to me... i told her not to turn on any lights, and the poor thing crawled her way to the darkness. i was very bitchy...anyways, since my sleep was disturbed, i woke up feeling heavy, and now the back of my neck is in pain! i ahte it, and i get even more mad!!!! i hate this feeling that lack of good night sleep has brought. ugh!!!

to melrose

hi amiga!!! missing you so much now. the past week, i've been addicted to babyface's song 'you were there'. that song says exactly what i want to say to you....it's a sad song, and very moving. it's the theme song of the movie Simon Birch which was based on the book called A Prayer for Owen Meany... i loved that book! it's a story of love, friendship, religion, courage... wish we can talk about it... in the song, there was a part that goes ...and your jokes still bring me laughter as if you still were here, and it hurts when i smile coz my heart still remembers when you were around....coz you were there, when no one was...just when i thought nobody cared, you showed me love...coz you were my friend, you always told me...and i am still here, because you were there...

mel, i keep on wondering about you. i know that i should keep going, leave the sad memories behind. but i can't do that. i will never forgive myself for not keeping in touch with you like i promised. a couple of days before you passed away, i was asking rosario for your number...she gave it to me and i was planning to send you an sms, but somehow, i would always cancel the thought. it makes me mad at myself for putting you behind....i hate myself for that mel.

memories are all i have mel...and im so glad that most of them are made of pure joy and happiness! all those jokes...all those crying sessions... they are a part of me now...i will carry them until my last day on earth. im so glad that we spent so many sleepovers at my house...im so glad we studied together.... im glad that everything happened mel... im glad that God brought you into my life....He took you away much sooner, but i know He has a plan. there is a reason for that tragedy...and im going to find out what it is, by hook or by crook...

i will rest in vain if i will not find out the reason why you have to leave us mel.

.::lunchbreak::.

im thinking of my brother, patrick. he's 11 years old, a musician, a great artist, a poet... a wholesome child. it just occurred to me that sooner, this baby will turn into a man... and im worried that i won't be there for him. this is one of the many reasons why i don't want to work overseas. i want to see him grow... witness each new chapter of his life... it's been two years now since i left home. if you look at it, two years is a short time. but the number of changes that has happened! one day i learned he was playing the pianica, now it's the lyre... what happened to his flute??? the last time i was there, i went to his school and was able to talk to his teachers. they told me that my Fatso is doing GREAT, very participative in class, getting good grades and awards. im so proud of this little man!

God has a plan for everyone

there was a line from babayface's song "you were there" that goes...there are no accidents, God has a plan for everyone... I don't know, but this line has been going through me for a while... i always encounter the phrase "GOd has a plan for everyone".

Into the pan!

yesterday, i decided that one week of luncheon meat (after a week of corned beef, which was after the week of bacon, which was after the week of canned tuna...oh the list goes on!), i HAVE to cook a meal, a meal that was processed by the heat of my stove, labored with my own hands, bought from the wet market, tasted according to my own taste buds. in short, a meal that does not come out straight from the can. so, after going with my sister to the mall, i headed to the nearby wet market and bought munggo beans, pork, and knorr cubes... i would make this boiled munggo beans in pork broth... thanks to that knorr commercial i've seen from tv! nobody told me that munggo beans are supposed to be boiled for an hour (an hour! god, my gas bills!!!!), so after twenty tests to find out if the beans are tender enough, the labor of love by yours truly is ready to be served... oh you should have seen the delight in my sisters eyes! i inhaled the thick, beany scent of the meal, the pork meat melting in my mouth....the beans tasted so good! at least it tasted different form the canned foods we stocked. even julie ann ate a late night dinner.... what a break! next stop, tinola!

just this

yesterday, i was chatting with ma-anne, my friend who is located in new york... and it amazes me that we can get in touch whenever we want to because of the internet and cellphones and stuff.anyways, we were talking about our dearly departed. her cousin died two years ago, and i didn't know about it. but i met her cousin before and we even became friends for a short while. when he told me yesterday that leah is dead, i was shocked. anyways, i also told her about melrose, my dear friend since high school who passed away las june. and she told me that life is realy unpredictable...

oh well. there are just so many things to get used to. when i hear the song "iris", it takes me back to the time when me and melrose would do nothing but sit and listen to goo goo dolls until the batteries in her discman would run out. the song reminds of our favorites-- pineapple pie and coke, staying up until dawn, the hansons... all those stuff teenage life is made of. i really miss her so much now! sometimes, i think about her before going to sleep... i can still picture her in the blue and white high school uniform we used to wear. and i always go back to the the last time we have been together...around may 2004. we ate pizza and she slept over my house. had i known that it would be the last time that i'm going to see her, i could have stayed longer. i would give everything just to have one more day with her!

back home

two days ago, my mother called me... it was just the usual hello-how-are-you-doing-do-you-still-have-money-just-let-us-know things. we talked about my birth certificate (which has some errors, and the correction is taking too long!), some neighbor updates and of course, money matters. she never told me anything about what my father would tell...when she handed the phone to my father, i immediately sensed that the talk would be sentimental. I asked my father how he was doing and he answered, your mother and i, we're very lonely. when i heard those words, a lump immediately formed in my throat. looking back, i never meant to leave them... i could have led a better life in my hometown, but i have selfish reasons why i have to go to the big city. and of course, i wanted to experience living outside their shell (so this is how it feels). he also told me that all they do is stare at each other, doing nothing...not even household chores because the house helpers could do that. My broher and my cousin are slowly entering into teen age life, so most of the times, they are in their own little worlds, unmindful of the fact that two middle-life-people are living with them.

for twenty years, my parents and i has lived together...and this year, cynthia moved in with me too. i just couldn't imagine what they are going through....to find our house suddenly empty, no daughters on the telephone yakking endlessly...my father also told me that there are lots of canned mushroom (my favorite canned thing)still stocked in the pantry which nobody uses and when he sees it, he thinks of me. he also told me that sometimes, my mother would go through our rooms and she would cry.

i miss having my parents around. more than the comfort and security that they can give me, i miss them for who they are. i treat them as friends too... i can tell them everything, ANY thing, and they are always the best and funniest listeners. i miss the way we would talk, all gathered in the dining table, laughing, cursing...

I miss you dearly mama and pops!

8 hours of pure, unadulterated, crystal clear, sleep

i cannot belive that i've slept for eight hours last night. ever since i started working, i can only sleep for 3 to 4 hours, and it's been making my life hellish. every single fucking day, the back of my head throbs, my shoulders would ache like shit, and the back of my neck feels like it's been hammered down to bits. i would feel irritable, sleepy, lazy, and weak. but today!!!! this is the healthiest that i've ever felt. i love this feeling...my head is clear, no fuzzy feelings... everything is just GREAT.

that thing called long distance affair- part 2

i remember what they told me...a lot of long distance relationships doesn't always work out, and a lot of them are hard to maintain, BUT NOT ALL LONG DITANCE RELATIONSHIPS ARE THAT WAY. i should remember this, right?

this boyfriend of mine is deadset to work abroad....as he tells me, it's for the future, he can't make a good career here, he will be financially doomed if he stay, blah, blah, blah.

oh well. the fact is, for me, long distance relationship is not a relationship at all. you can't see each other, can't hold one another, can't hug, can't kiss. you will both change and when you meet again, it will be...hello stranger! of course, i also look at the other side, that if you TRULY love one another, then there's no reason to let go of the relationship... but it's crap. you will not be there for each other, how will you learn? you will not see each other, how will you get to know your partner better? and when things happen, how will you understand that person when you wern't there?

i can't explain what i want to say. this stuff makes me feel sad. i don't want this to happen to me. but im not selfish. if he wants to go, there's nothing i can do about it. i won't stop him. i will even push him to go.

it's just that...i can't do this long distance thing. better be alone, than to have a relationship based on the imagination!

i've been telling him that NO MATTER what, i'll love him. but with this, it is too hard to convince myself that i can hold on. just thinking about it wrenches me. i don't like that thing, so i can't do it.

whatever happens, i hope i will be able to bear it.

makie, marga, makoy, mavy

yesterday, i went to aya's house... it was so great to see her kids again. they were so hyper, and i was so touched to see makie so happy to see me. they were all over me, and i enjoyed every moment of it. i was able to see the baby too, unfortunately, i wasn't able to hold him because im scared to hold a new born baby. makoy is so big! he's my godson, and seeing him so grown means a lot to me. he is able to walk now, and whenever he hears his sisters singing, he would do this dance steps totally exclusive for his execution.

of course, aya filled me with so many stories from my old job! i never thought gossip would be this exciting, hehehehehe.

the present

i was late for work today. blame it on the weather. i woke up at the same time as usual, everything was about to get right, when this rain came pouring as if there is no tomorrow. since i take public transport, it was very difficult to catch my ride.

i received an email from tyn. she got accepted in the company where im working. yey! finally, a familiar face soon...

mommy aya is also processing her application. what a mom! she gave birth a month ago. and here she go again.. looking for a better job. her baby boy is called maverick...mavy for short. she also told me that her kids misses me, and i miss them too! badly. i wish to visit them once again, but i still don't know when i will be able to have the chance.

that's it for now.

getting through

trying to grasp some informamtion about what im going to do here at work. being a newbie ain't easy. oh well. information overload! but im thankful that my team mates, may and vanek, are very patient and willing to help me. i owe them so much!

missing my NEOmates. they were my first friends in this big company. i've missed a couple of outings though, and for that, i am so sorry. it's my loss, i know. well, there's always a next time.

wishing cynthia and julie ann the best! being in the real estate business is quiet challenging, and since this is their first job, i know that they have a lot to learn. but i believe in them! they are gutsy and open minded, so im pretty sure that they can make it.

missing jolabs so much! i just have so much inside my system that wants to be out, and only jo will be able to understand me... girlfriends have a way of doing that. i miss our talks, long talks. i miss having fun with her!

wish i have a pet at my place. but dogs are not allowed, so i think i'll be dreaming about having a daschund until i find a new place.

there's a fare increase once again! commute fair is taking half of my daily budget! ugh.

thank god for pldt's ten pesos unlimited call. now, mama and pops can call me whenever they want to, even just to say a simple kumusta ka...

i cooked a chicken dish yesterday. it tasted good...with all those veggies and pineapple sauce. but turned out, the chicken is not fresh as what i expected... cynthia got an allergy, and nobody wants to eat my chicken (sob!)... all those hardwork...gone to waste!

i still have troubles falling asleep. i need to wake up early coz my shift starts at 6, but sleep comes to me around 1 in the morning. i hate waking up feeling like im ten thousand pounds with my neck and my back aching. warm milk is useless...same with warm bath, etc. im just hopeless. i was born to be a night owl.

haven't watched the news since tuesday, and im not familiar anymore with the current situations the president of the philippines is facing. oh well.

LIFE is great!

a song for my luvy

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight?
And if this heart is lying
Then what should I believe in?
Why do I go crazy?
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do?
If I'm not in love with you
And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, tonight?
If it's just infatuation
Then why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you
Oh, why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me?
Like lovers lost in sweet desire
And why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
How do I explain this feeling?
Someone tell me
If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight?
And if this heart is lying
Then what should I believe in?
Why do I go crazy?
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do...
If I'm not in love with
If I'm not in love with
If I'm not in love with you...

*habitat*

back in college, me and my best buddy Jo had this habit of going to the Kalinungan garden after we take our lunch... the place is just too good to describe. lots of trees and benches....very quiet, cool, clean, isolated, and there's usually very few people around since it's far from the classrooms.

we had a favorite bench, the one under an arched eucalyptus where streams of sunshine can pour over our heads. we would talk about anything.... school stuff, boys, people, problems....when the time comes for us to leave the garden and head on to our classes, we would drag ourselves with so much effort to convince one another that we have to start moving.


the place has become so familiar to us and it felt like it was made just for our enjoyment. while strolling, we would pick up trashes and feel sad whenever we see dead plants and flowers. sometimes, we like to think that we were born at that place...that's why we called it "our habitat".

it was really our place of comfort... when everything becomes tough, we sought refuge to our habitat, take in it's peaceful air and simply let loose...

im still searching for my "habitat" here.......

some lyrics that makes me....

TRUE...I won't talkI won't breatheI won't move till you finally seeThat you belong with meYou might thinkI don't lookBut deep inside in the corner of my mindI'm attached to youI'm weakIt's trueCause I'm afraid to know the answerDo you want me too?Cause my heart keeps falling fasterI've waited all my lifeTo cross this lineTo the only thing that's trueSo I will not hideIt's time to try anything to be with youAll my life I've waitedThis is trueYou don't knowWhat you doEvery time you walk into the roomI'm afraid to moveI'm weakIt's trueI'm just scared to know the endingDo you see me too?Do you even know you met me?I've waited all my lifeTo cross this lineTo the only thing that's trueSo I will not hideIt's time to try, anything to be with youAll my life I've waitedThis is trueI know when I goI'll be on my way to youThe way that's trueI've waited all my lifeTo cross this lineTo the only thing that's trueSo I will not hideIt's time to try, anything to be with youAll my life I've waitedThis is true.

Dreams....Now here you go again, you say you want your freedomWell who am I to keep you downIt's only right that you should play the way you feel itBut listen carefully to the soundOf your lonelinessLike a heartbeat drives you madIn the stillness of remembering what you hadAnd what you lostYeah, thunder only happens when it's rainingPlayers only love you when they're playingYeah, women they will come and they will goWhen the rain washes you clean you'll know, you'll know...Now here I go again, I see the crystal visionsI keep my visions to myselfWell It's only me that wants to wrap around your dreams andHave you any dreams you'd like to sellDreams of lonelinessLike a heartbeat drives you madIn the stillness of remembering what you had(Drives you mad,) and what you lost, (remember what you had)Thunder only happens when it's raining(Thunder only happens when it's...)Players only love you when they're playing(Players only love you when they're...)Yeah, women they will come and they will go, (they will go...)When the rain washes you clean you'll know...Yeah, thunder only happens when it's raining(Thunder only happens when it's...)Players only love you when they're playing(Players only love you when they're...)Yeah, women they will come and they will go, (they will go...)When the rain washes you clean you'll know...You'll know, (the heartbeat drives you mad,) you'll know, (remember what you had)You'll know...

Lost In Space
Sometimes, I get tired of this me first attitudeYou are the one thing, that keeps me smilingThat's why I'm always wishing hard for you 'Cos your life shines so brightI don't feel no solitudeYou are my first, star at nightI'd be lost in space without you
(Chorus)And I'll never lose my faith in youHow will I ever get to heaven, if I do
Feels, just so fineWhen we touch the sky me and youThis is my idea of heavenWhy can't it always be so goodBut it's alright, I know your out thereDoing what you've gotta doYou are my soul satelliteI'd be lost in space without you
(Chorus)And I'll never lose my faith in youHow will I ever get to heaven, if I do
(Repeat chorus)I'll never lose my faith in you I'll never lose my faith in you


Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you'Cause I know that you feel me somehowYou're the closest to heaven that I'll ever beAnd I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this momentAnd all I can breathe is your life'Cause sooner or later it's overI just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me'Cause I don't think that they'd understandWhen everything's made to be brokenI just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't comingOr the moment of truth in your liesWhen everything feels like the moviesYeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me'Cause I don't think that they'd understandWhen everything's made to be brokenI just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me'Cause I don't think that they'd understandWhen everything's made to be brokenI just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me'Cause I don't think that they'd understandWhen everything's made to be brokenI just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I amI just want you to know who I amI just want you to know who I am

*TAKE ME HOME*

my friend, marion, has been sending me sms. she told me that tonton's birth day will be held on the 14th of this month. wish i can go. i haven't been to any of tonton's birthday. he's turning two, and he is a big brother now. Heni and Steve sure want to organize a basketball team. they're still young, but they have two kids already. i got the chance to visit heni the day after her c-section. her baby is gorgeous. they named him Stephen. and he got this cutest cheeks!

Patrick's running for president of the student org. the election will be held next week, and the kid's pretty hype up. last week, he collapsed in class due to mental and physical fatigue. that boy has too much in his hands...lyre practice, dance rehearsals, campaign, homeworks....i guess his body was telling him to take a moment and relax. he's okay now, back to being talkative and bubbly!

haven't heard from my dear cousin, adan. he lost his cel, so there's no way that he can contact me except when i call home. he's already a college sophomore.

mama and pops are pretty bored at home. they only got patrick and lance to take care of. whenever i text papa and ask him what he's up to, he would reply.."doing nothing, bored to death..." poor people! they should adopt a hyperactive baby!

nobody knows what's in store for you

last night, my sister and julie ann came home somewhat grim. turned out, they received a call from their childhood friend that Fritz, their playmate and former "kabarkada", will undergo leg amputation due to cancer. they have received messages that fritz was really crying his heart out. and his parents were really devastated, especially his father who is working abroad.

i don't know fritz that well.... but i've seen a lot of him back when i was growing up. he's your typical boy-- always playing in the field, ganging up on girls. when he was in high school, he became popular because of his talent in dancing. that boy can dance! cynthia said, you can really tell that dancing is his passion in the way he moves.

i am so sorry to hear this. the three of us were talking last night, we dared to imagine how would it feel to take away something that has been a part of you since birth... fritz will not just lose a leg. what about dancing? and his dream of working in ships???

we dared to imagine, but we know that we can never feel what fritz is going through.

pity. that's one of those things he will face when he comes back. and people will be talking about what could have been.

i wish to fritz that he will be strong enough to receive his new life. i can only pray that people will be sensitive enough to think of fritz as the same person he used to be, and not see fritz as an invalid.

from this sad news, i am enlightened by the truth... nobody can tell what will happen to one's life. you will never know how fate will play it's games. our dreams may or may not come out the way we want them. we may choose to accept, or do something about what is in store for us.