support group

im thankful that I have friends from the office whom i can share anything with... we talk about our problems, our joys, our lives... whatever we can think of. thanks maymay, shan, karla, kai and vanek. :) mga punyeta kayo!!! hehehehe.

anyways, today, we discussed about something personal regarding my life. i told them about this "dark stage" that im suffereing from and they all pinched in their precious thoughts. i still could not figure out any solution to that, but i felt better after venting out.

i want to let go of something... but it's hard coz that something has been part of me for far too long. it will not be the same without IT. if im okay with that something's related things, i might reconsider, you know. but they don't give a damn about me. so. screw you, mother fuckers!

sorry for my rant. i just feel bad about IT and the IT'S related things. FUCKERS!!!

sooo. i just want to say this again. im the eldest in the family and the spotlight has always been on me. i just hate it when im treated like i don't matter. i really, really hate it. especially when the people who do it to me are the people who should treat me like I matter. don't judge me. get to know me first. promise, i won't bite.

dreams

all dreams are weird, right? well... i had a very weird, if not frightening dream two nights ago. i was at the beach with a friend, and all of a sudden, there was a tsunami. (a tsunami!) it was so real. i saw the water rise, glistening and mighty, and then it fell directly to me and my friend. my friend went missing, and i was able to run and reach my house where i told my mother and brother to run. then there was a second tsunami, and i was wondering why it's not moving. it's just there... standing tall and threatening. there was chaos, and then a Police came to me and told me to sleep in the hotel, so i slept coz i was tired and when i woke up, the tsunami was still there... not moving. upon closer look, i discovered that the tsunami was FROZEN. wtf. what a dream. i guess i dreamed about this because im still high from the company picnic which was held at 8 WAVES. at the wave pool, i remember me and Shan playing with the man made waves. crazy!

thank God it's friday! i want to watch Lake House. Maybe i'll go to the movies tomorrow. anyways, last night, I went to the mall with Apang and Brunie. i was so happy everytime Brunie squeals in delight to the new things he saw. He loves it when I put him in the grocery cart. And he loves fench fries! but i only let him eat two pieces. he also calls me by my name... it sounds like "aw". sigh. he's really a cute baby, and i love, love him.

rainy days

rainy days really make me feel nostalgic... last night, it rained so hard and i found myself staring into empty space and rewinding scenes from my not so distant past. all i can think of was college days and teenage life. i am 24, and whenever i repeat this to myself, 24 is imprinted in red letters. like it's such a sign or a warning, that hey, im 24 yet im still not fullfilled... i don't know. i love my job, the way i turned out here in manila, but there's something missing. AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. ahhh. maybe im just having a quarter life crisis.

I watched Wedding Date last night. It was a feel good movie. While the movie was playing on the TV, i played with Brunie and I was amazed of how big he has become... he has four teeth now, and he crawls so fast i can barely catch him. babies! i thought i'll never learn to love them. Because as far as I know, the only infant that i ever loved was Patrick.

anyways, Julie is thinking of moving in with his Boyfriend. Oh well. she's 22, she's a big girl now and I am not his mother. Goodluck to her. Her plan of living with his BF was such a big issue in our place. She met the freaking guy only five months ago...! anyways... may she chose the right decision! :)

things at random

last saturday, i had a blast with my oficemates. we went to the annual summer picnic that the company we work for gave. it was soooo fun!!! wish i had some pictures, but i wasn't able to bring my camera.

anyways, last night, i missed my family so much. i had a 30 minute talk with my brother. They are always just a phone call away, and i am glad about that. he's in high school now! next thing i know, he will be introducing me to his.... girlfriend!!! i hope it will not happen soon coz i don't want to share my brother with some girl. hahahahaha! he joined the school choir and he requested me to send him an Enya CD. hope i could buy it this weekend so that he will receive it this sunday.

cynthia will be back in manila before july 15... i don't know if she's serious. she's now in cebu, and it's a 20 minute flight from bacolod. if i am working in cebu, i'll stay there. that way, i can visit my parent's anytime i want to.

mama and papa are still the same... bored out of their skulls, hehehehehe!

i miss our house. i miss home. i miss my bedroom, my bed, my dog. ugh!!!! this is not funny anymore.

so... i was feeling shitty last night, i stayed in the comfort room for 30 minutes and cried my eyes out. i just want to go home!!!! i want to see my parents coz i really really miss them.

there's no one here (except my bf) that i can just call and meet up and pour my heart out. this role is for JO or Hennie. and i have no one here for that!!! it sucks!!!

on the sunny side: Brunie's drunk father showed up in my apartment last thursday and he insisted on taking brunie with him. i want to stave him off, but i was careful coz the guy was drunk. my cousin has no choice but to go with that fucking pig.....! i missed brunie sooo much i felt like crying whenever i see his pacifier in the fridge. anyways, my cousin came back last night (this is the sunny side), she said that she had called it quits with the pig. that pig has been beating my cousin, and i can't do anything but just welcome her in my home whenver she runs away. she said that a zillion times, and i know that with just a flick of the pig's finger , she will still go with him. ANYWAYS, i was so happy when i went home and saw brunie!!! i picked him up and held him for an hour!!! :) i love this baby soo mcuh, i will not let anyone hurt him!!!!

therapeutic thingies

every human being wants to be comforted once in a while... we all need to feel good, safe, and free. i was getting ready to bed last night when i thought of all things that has given me comfort and good feeling.

here in manila....

1. i feel good after giving Brunie a bath. i would put him in a large basin with warm water, then gently soap his hair and body. after rinsing him, i pat his body dry and put some baby powder on him, put his diapers on and voila! a mouthwatering baby is here!

2. browsing books in bookstores. when i have the urge to buy a book, it is easily satisfied by just looking at the best sellers... browsing a little and smelling them... yes, i love the smell of new books. it makes me HIGH. :)

3. Making pasta. it takes my mind off to some bothering things when i boil pasta and prepare the sauce. chopping onions, mincing gralic, preparing the whole thing... it makes me feel at home!!!

4. reading my journals.... takes me back to the past. you know, where everything was once secure. coz right now, it scares me to death to know that i only have myself to depend on. go independence.

5. massage from marco. need i say more?

6. watching movies. i spent way too much money on cinemas. when i watch a movie, i forget about everything, as in EVERYTHING. im in a different world when i have a popcorn in my right hand, and a softdrink stuck somewhere.

back in Bago City.....

1. Talking with my papa.

2. going to the mall with Patrick and mama.

3. Taking care of my forever baby, TANDY.

4. cleaning my room.

5. going out with my girlfriends.

6. cable TV marathon.

7. visiting churches.

8. going to Hilangban

9. swimming.

10. eating mama's chili con carne

11. doing the grocery.


oh well. i wrote about this because i just want to be away for a while. anyways, since i got here in manila, i never had any barkada... friends that i an hang out with anytime i want to. i seldom see my classmates in grad school, and i seldom go out wiht my officemates. it's not the same with my friends in Bacolod. but i am still thankful that at least,i still have a normal social life.

i saw the sign (i think)

i have wanted to be something for so long.... and i was given lots of opportunities to pursue it. but somehow, i get it all screwed up... maybe because, it's not something that i really, really want, but just went for it coz i don't have any choices left at that time. i guess it just got stucked in my brain and i was made to believe that i really want to be that something... yesterday, after a number of trying, pursuing that something, i finally got the sign... it just told me that i wasn't enough. so maybe i should just quit chasing it... and be happy with the present. but the belief that it was what I want has been in my brain for 6 years now... and it's not easy to flush it down the drain. after seeing the sign yesterday, another opportunity landed on my lap... should i go for it? or should i quit it already??? i am now starting to believe that there's no hope for me to be that something. my god. im an ass in that. whatever. i feel sad though. to realize this shit. but i will not consider my time wasted. anyways... i thought i did good. always thought i had.... but somehow.... it's all screwed up in the end. i just don't understand. fate? whatever. help me let go. thanks.

dvd marathon;

marco and i decided to save money, for real, so that means, we have to think real hard before we spend a single centavo. and i guess im doing pretty good (last week at least) coz i have budgeted my resources to the point that I don't take the taxi to go to work anymore. (hey best, did i construct the sentence correctly, hehehehehe!) anyways, instead of going to the movies (which means, eating at a restaurant after watching the film), he rented some dvds instead. we watched 5 movies!!!! and it's only 60 pesos, beat that. first thing we watched was yours, mine, ours.... starring renee russo and dennis quaid. then we watched Last holiday starring queen latifah, followed by Crash (which, btw, made me cry... the story was so touching!!!). the next day, i watched grandma's boy and just friends..... aaaaaahhhhhhh, so so contended. i just love watching movies, be it in dvd or the moviehouse.... it was a simple and cozy date... we were at the living room, eating pancit canton and junk foods.... can i ask for more? :)

chlorophyll drink; bluSkies

marco gave me a bottle of chlorophyll concentrate. i know! it sounds so healthy, so pure, right? hehehehe.
i only tried it once coz i just got it last night, so i don't feel any effects YET. i was kidding him about taking it and then writhing in photosynthesis. that would be cool! i googled the said drink and all i can find are positive reviews. it eliminates toxins, supplies fresh oxygen to the cells, renews red blood cells, to sum it up: it gives inner make over!!! imagine all your organs packed with iron... your small intestines being deodorized.... ain't that great? two tablespoons of this drink to 500 ml of water looked scary!!! and i was thinking that it will taste nasty, but surprise! it's like you're drinking water only... with a very light, tolerable aftertaste. when you smell it, it smells of freshly cut grass though... but still pleasant. i don't mind drinking this elixir from time to time.

anyways, i've stocked bluskies Spring Onion crackers... it just taste different from other crackers... this one has spring onions, as the name of the flavor implies. tastes good with cheese or mayo... i just had two packs, so hugnry!!! oh yeah.... this canteen in our office has shut down... and we are left with mini stop's fried chicken and fried wanton.... eeeew. i can't live with that EVER FUCKING SINGLE DAY.... good thing, there's kambingan 136... i place my order through maymay!

also, dear friends.... try visiting coney's blog... http://coney-island.blogspot.com.

ciao!

my papa

i forgot to greet my pops a happy father's day last sunday. but i greeted him yesterday...

fathers...!

i know that every girl will claim that they have the best father in the world. and i beleieve that we all have the most wonderful fathers given to us by God.

i cannot describe my relationship with my pops. al i can say is, we're close and i feel most comfortable when im talking to him. i can tell him anything i want. he gives the best advise and lessons.

i miss him too! and our midnight snacks and movie marathons!!!!

summer picnic; lazy bitch; cold weather

next week i'll be attending our company's summer picnic and I can't wait to be there coz the whole gang (shan, vanek, maymay, karla) will be there!!! i heard that there will be some shopping stalls and spa treatments... i do hope that I'll have enough money to splurge.

I hate this person, im going to call her "lazy bitch". because she's so lazy. because she is a bitch. that's all.


it's getting cold here, YES!!! i love sleeping and using a blanket. haha. oh yeah. school year has started. you could just imagine the traffic jam. my god, it's so fucking awful. i hate it.

pat, papa, me and tandy.... having some fun in our dining room..... miss you pops!!! miss u mama!!!! wanna go home!!!! please support me na lang.... hehehehehehehe.

picture na naman

this man loves me sooo much. he's the president of my fan club.... :p
the original mandirigma!!!! i miss our manidirigma days... getting drunk, partying, talking marathon!!!! darra, why did you get married na kasi!!!!!! btw, there are 13 mandirigmas... :)
me, darra, baby stephen and quenn.... darra's a mom to two kids now.....
me, adan and baby zarina... i miss adan!!! i miss our misadventures and eating sessions!!!!
me, darra and ramon.... my bestest college buddies!!! this was taken at l'sea restaurant in bacolod... we ate at around 11 am and left around 4pm... my throat was hoarse from all the talking and laughing!

my brother is sooo cute!!!! i miss being with him... he's a good singer and a magnificent dancer. this young man is so talented! sorry, just playing the proud ate, hehehehe.

pictures again

my bro and marco... taken in la salle bacolod.... we sure had a great time!
mama bought this inflatable pool... three adults can fit in!!! as what i've said, the summer was so cruel. dipping in this pool somewhat relieves the torturous condition summer gave us...
this is my favorite picture of patrick... so candid! i took this myself... what was he thinking in that pic? :)


yet another pic in the plane... this was on our way home. the flight was terrible. we only took our seatbelts 15 minutes before we touched down.

pictures

this is me and my baby brother patrick... he will be in high school!!! how he has grown!!!!
this is Tandy... my forever baby... leaving him behind is the most painful decision i've ever had...
our trip to bago city is not complete without visiting buenos aires mountain resort... the mountain air and the olypic size pool is a heavenly comno.... take me back to buenos!!!!
just a random picture of marco and me... we had lemonade at bob's coffee after walking from places to places. it was a very abnormally hot summer!!! we stayed at this shop for about an hour before heading to a new destination. we have to do all those trips coz we only stayed in bacolod for four days. four short freaking days. huhuhuhu.
we've been together for five years but our last trip to bacolod was our first plane ride together... i cajoled him into taking this picture eventhough he was not into it. see his forced smile??? :p
we also went to our dearest alma mater-- university of st. la salle- bacolod. this was taken near lasalle chapel... oh the memories of college life!!!!
when we visited bacolod last month, me and marco went to our favorite vegetarian restaurant, Sian Tian. We ordered lots of items and we ate as if we were in a death row. the night before we went to the resto, i was sooo excited i couldn't sleep, hehehehe. after eating, we took this picture. see the satisfaction in my face??? :)

i said a little prayer for Melrose

rest in peace melrose... eternal light shine upon you!

no words can describe how much i miss you mel. i think im going crazy.

i read Lovely Bones... and all i could think of is you. when will we see each other again, mel??? please wait for me there. Please be the one who will wait for me. okay?

i still cannot fathom your being gone. it is still not fucking okay. i really miss you, it hurts so much!

Life without Mel

Melrose Olvido april 4, 1982- june 9, 2005

what is life like knowing that one of your dearest friends is gone? unexplainable.

i miss melrose so much. i've never felt this way before, so im finding it really hard to move on. though we bid her goodbye at the old bago city bridge, i still don't feel any "closure". i still have so many questions... im still in disbelief. i have so many things that i regretted, like not telling her i love her and not calling her. there are just so many i-could-haves.

and the memories! a sweet torture. listening to googoo dolls, eating at dairy queen... it's just so hard. I cannot bring myself to do those things anymore. sometimes, i would bump into someone who looks just like her. it just tugs my heart, you know. and last night, i heard a song from grin department...i wanted to cry right then and there.

i miss you so much mel!!! i just can't take it anymore!!!

WISH LIST

1. round trip tickets to Bacolod. i miss home! i miss mama and papa and pat and tandy.

2. dream about melrose. i miss her so much it hurts!

3. to visit coney in Iloilo.

4. a one year supply of Greanteazz in raspberry flavor (walang blueberry eh!).

5. to lose these fucking weight I gained, ugh!!! i'm not buying new jeans or shirts.... i want to get into my old clothes AGAIN!

6. a new cellphone. Im sick of my samsung d140 (or is it d410?). ma, are you reading this? :)

7. a pail of rambutan. rambutan is sooo fucking rare here in manila.

8. a crib for Brunie.

9. a new wallet!!!

10. a new pocketbook... anything by stephen king or neil gaiman or... anyone!!!

11. a new mug. the one im using in the office is sooo BORING. It's white and has a picture of a freaking Maltese!!! can it get any more pathetic than that?

12. a new bag. my old bags are okay, but it doesn't match my im-so-fat get up. so, those bags are in storage along with my jeans and shirts and skirts. what kind of bag goes well with fatty get ups?? GOD FREAKING DAMN IT!!!

13. A bed. Dear God, are you listening?

14. more songs for my MP4.

15. meeting with TYN JABSON. I miss Nano so much! I want to watch X-Men III with them!!!

16. tortang talong.

17. a new journal. you know, the leather bound kind. fucking expensive. A poor rat like me has to save enough money to buy it. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

18. Pillows. the firm kind. yep, for my stiff neck-- from sleeping on a soft as spit pillow.

19. VIDEOKE SESSION!!! puta naman o, it's been so long since I held a microphone and belt out my crystal voice *ducks as rotten tomatoes zoom*

20. 20 bottles of vodka cruiser. please. im begging you. im on my fucking knees. please.

baby bruno

currently, my cousin and her eight month old baby boy is staying with me. it's refreshing to come home with a baby waiting for you. before, i hate babies, really. babies are brats!!! I call the baby BRUNO because he has this really fierce face... like he's about to pounce on something. Sometimes, when i play with him, I call him Brunie or Brun-brun... anyways... he still doesn't have a name. My cousin's lovelife is soooo complicated and so soap opera-ish. She was asking me to come up with the baby's name. hmmm... i don't know. maybe we can call him Jose?

Searching for April

I'm looking for a very close friend of mine. Her name is April Madrileno. She got married right after high school, so now her name is April Pesalbo. Before, we used to communicate through texts and calls, but I lost my old Cel when I was mugged and her number was stored in that cellphone. I don't know how to contact her. She shuffles between Mindoro and Negros Occidental, so I really have no idea how I'm going to keep in touch with her. The last time we met was three years ago. Anybody who knows where she is right now, please, please email me. Thanks!!!

this month of JUNE

of all the months, June brings back so many memories. first day of school, the begining of rainy season, longer nights and shorter days (that's what I think). I miss the smell of newly sharpened pencils... the smell of new notebooks and paper... the smell of new socks and uniform. I miss my high school skirt.... my bookbag, backpack, and water jug.... i miss my old school. I especially miss my high school and college friends!!!

anything blueberry; june 9

blueberries make me happy. i love anything with blueberry in it. ice cream, pies... and my recent obssession-- vodka cruiser with exotice blueberries. shit. i just love that stuff. last saturday, i got drunk coz I had five bottles of it. the flavors are so explosive, you know. especially if it's super duper chilled! aaaahhhhhh.... i can't wait to have another gulping session of that stuff. oh you vodka cruiser, you make me an addict for your love :)

four days to go and it will be mel's 1st year death anniversary. i really, really miss her so much. i want to hear her voice, touch her, hug her. hay naku. I love you mel.... miss you terribly!!!